Ironically, the Navy did become my way to financial security. “You live for the fight when that’s all that you’ve got” was so true of me. I funneled my anger and resentment into getting my benefits. It was my sole focus and the only thing kept me going. To get 100% disability at the age of 30 was unheard of, and yet I got it.
The Navy had put me on a lot of medications and when I left the hospital, I had a enough to last me 9 months. Let me just say that I was very psychologically unstable, due to the medications I had been instructed to keep taking.
My brother killed himself in a fit of rage in December of 2000. His fiance and her child were in the house.
It took my mother five days to contact me and tell me. 5 days. I will never forgive her for that. And in her grief, she blamed me and lamented that it should have been me. He was her only son.
A favorite movie of mine has always been What Dreams May Come. Shortly after receiving the news about my brother, I took every pill I had and chased them down with a bottle of Bacardi 151. In my unstable mind, I was not committing suicide. In my anger and grief, I was going to go drag his ass back from Hell. How dare he take the easy way out?!?
I wrote the following immediately upon waking in the wee hours of the morning, three days later.
*************
A huge wolf with eyes of amethyst came to me in my dream and guided me through a dense forest to a lake. Standing in the darkness underneath the full moon I looked down and realized I was nude. Anxiety overcame me as I felt all eyes in the surrounding forest upon me, seeing me for all that I am, and I felt shame and covered myself. Tearfully I looked skyward, and for what seemed an eternity I stood there, staring into the heavens. At the moment I felt most empty and alone the wolf with eyes of amethyst brushed against my leg, stroking me. At that comforting sensation, I dropped to my knees, buried my face in my hands and burst into long held back sobs. With each tear that spilled forth I poured out my heart and emptied my soul.
When my sobs had subsided, I stood up, no longer ashamed. I slowly walked into the lake and with each step the cleansing of my being continued. When I was up to my chin, I closed my eyes and relaxed into the water, trusting I would not sink but float. I lay there suspended in the water feeling a sense of calm and an even stranger sense of belonging.
A slight breeze guided me back to the shore. As I placed my feet upon the earth I could suddenly sense the presence of another and I turned towards the woods. A small child was standing at the edge of the forest. The child walked to me, placed its hand in mine and led me through the forest, following a path I could not detect. Passing through an undetected hole in the brush, we entered a clearing in the trees, a small grassy circle, a most holy of place.
The child smiled the smile of discovery and pointed toward the sky. Looking upwards I saw a magnificent bird appear silhouetted in the full moon. It slowly circled five times and then appeared to vanish.
The sounds of the forest and the night became quiet. As I turned back to where the child had been I saw an ancient one, both shaman and warrior standing in the child’s place. He smiled a wise smile and the voice of the Ancients rang in my ears.
“Along the path in the journey of life you have come to a place where many paths branch off. They all lead in different directions. Some paths are easier than others but they will not teach you what you need to know. Some paths will not be right for you. You may have to return back to chose another. Do not despair. Your path is there. Do not be afraid of your gifts Daughter. Open your heart, search your soul, trust your instincts and you will find the path that it right for you.”
“You may stumble. You will fall. Never be afraid to accept a helping hand up. Never be too proud or vain to ask for help. It is not a sign of weakness but of strength that you are wise enough to know that you are not perfect and have things to learn from all. Always remember that perhaps the reason that person was along that path was to help you, and your accepting that help may have helped that person fulfill his or her own destiny. Always be willing to help another. It may be the very reason why you are on that path. Treat others as you would be treated.”
“Your journey in life is what you yourself make of it. And you Daughter, your journey is just beginning.”
The ancient one brushed his fingers across and down my cheek. He then began combing his fingers through my damp hair. He took some herbs from a pouch at his waist, rubbed them into my hair and then started to braid it. When he was satisfied he took from his own hair a single feather and placed it in mine. I knew instinctively that it came from the magnificent bird I had seen and that it was a great gift.
The ancient one looked deep within my eyes and I knew there were no secrets I could keep from him. And no longer could I hide things from myself. He took a root from his pouch. I instinctively opened my mouth and he placed the root in my mouth. I bit down and I felt myself being swept away, first into a sea of sensations and then into blissful calm. The veil between realms parted for an instant allowing me to glimpse where my journey would take me; the people I would meet, the discoveries I would make and the adventures I would have.
As the darkness overcame me I heard the howling of a wolf with eyes of amethyst, the giggles of a small child, the cries of the magnificent bird, and the songs of the Ancients. I knew that along my journey there would be many there to guide me and that I would never be alone.
14 December 2000
